letter #1

The first night after you left, as horribly cliche as it sounds, I couldn't imagine living. I was scared to move forward, I was scared of welcoming a new year, a new season without you. It felt a lot like leaving you behind in the dark all by yourself. It still does.

But as you would have wished, I took a step forward, then another, then another.

I realized that I never had to leave you behind. We were standing at a diverged road, and we just went separate ways. I tell myself that one day, our paths will definitely cross again, and by that time I want to be someone you can be proud of. I hope someday we can sit together, probably at a table by a window where we can watch the world outside, sharing stories over some coffee. You see, there's a lot of things I want to tell you.

It's autumn again in the place you were, my favourite season. You wrote a song about it once, my favourite by you. Seasons replaced one another like a lie. Soon, it will be winter again, your favourite season. It's the first without you, so I think it will be colder than ever.

I miss you. I miss you everyday, and I think I will always miss you.

I hope you're well.

a companion

have you ever felt so healed by a song?

I want to write you a long love letter

even if you probably won't ever read this
perhaps the wind can relay my feelings to you somehow
there is no limit to love
that is why when it comes to love everything and nothing makes sense
i want to cherish this happiness of meeting you
and this ache from missing you
forevermore
so that one day after seasons have replaced one another
when there are wrinkles on my face
when my body refuse to listen to me anymore
i can look back with a smile
"there's a person i loved with all my heart"
i shall always remember the days when youth was still our friend
there have been so many steps i never thought i'd take
so many places i never thought i'd go
and it's all because of you
the reason for my reasonless trips
i was a coward until i met you
so i want to tell you now
i will never be ashamed of the days i spent loving you
and i hope my love for you will keep you company
on the days when stars don't burn as bright as they do now

A beloved passage from a beloved film of mine

""the minute i heard my first love story
i started looking for you
not knowing how blind it was

lovers don't finally meet somewhere
they're in each other all along"

we don't always find the one we carry inside of us
but love is kind

he gives us second chances"

Purpose

So I went to this forum yesterday in commemoration of International Women's Day. While I wouldn't call straight up myself a feminist, I agreed with some things the speakers mentioned. What really caught me about the forum was this one thing one of the speakers, Ameera Natasha Moore, stated about marriage. "Marriage is not my main objective in life. I want it to be like I just happen to find someone whom I can fit into my life plans, dreams and such."

Not too long ago, I told my mum I don't want to get married. I said it in a half-joking manner. The truth is that I'm scared of making a life long commitment. I can't even decide what's my favourite colour because my preferences keep changing.

Anyway, my point here is that I told my mum that several times already that my mum has started to get worried of me. There's no way that I'm going to be obsessed with my career in the future, by the way, but I have so many goals in life that don't include getting married. I don't even imagine myself reaching those goals with someone next to me.

When Ameera said that, I was reminded of this movie I watched years back. It's actually a very short scene but it still resounds in my mind even now. The girl gets to know this guy (not the leading man) who recently divorced his wife. He said he's still very much in love with his ex-wife, and the ex-wife is still very much in love with him. So why get divorced? the girl asked. To her (and my) surprise, the reason was quite simple but very sad. One day they sat down together and the guy asked his (then) wife about her future plans and goals. They are wonderful, until he realized one thing. "I'm not there," he told the girl.

Um, again I'm losing my actual purpose of writing a post.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think marriage is a goal, nor should it be a goal in life. I mean, really, imagine if that's your main objective in life - what happens once you get married? What happens after that? Wouldn't you be at loss?

I'm still pissed off at Jane Eyre's ending. (I never finished the book though but I don't think I will)

A Memory

There are magic moments in stories, be it from a drama or book, and to me it's the most fascinating thing in the world. I watch and read a lot a lot of things, truthfully, too much even that sometimes I get confused whether my memory is authentic or has been mixed up with somebody else's. I don't remember every story I've seen or read, but I do remember those magic moments.

Here is something from The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender, which I think is delicately beautiful:

“When I crossed the street, according to my mother, I still had to hold someone’s hand. At ten, I would be able to cross streets unhanded. I’d held on to Joseph’s many times before, for many years, but holding his was like holding a plant, and the disappointment of fingers that didn’t grasp back was so acute that at some point I’d opted to take his forearm instead. For the first few street crossings, that’s what I did, but on the corner at Oakwood, on an impulse, I grabbed George’s hand. Right away: fingers, holding back. The sun. More clustery vines of bougainvillea draping over windows in bulges of dark pink. His warm palm. An orange tabby lounging on the sidewalk. People in torn black T-shirts sitting and smoking on steps. The city, opening up.We hit the sidewalk, and dropped hands. How I wished, right then, that the whole world was a street.”

I haven't been writing here lately, and it's a shame because when I went few pages back on my old blog, I was reminded of the things I no longer remember. To put the months I missed in a nutshell, life went on, unsurprisingly. Gained new friends, lost some, made new memories, old ones slipped through my mind.

I lost a good friend not too long ago. It was over a rather childish matter, but when it happened, the cause seemed like the world to us. I look back now and I regret some things I did, and I do feel like apologizing, but never did. I tell myself things happened for a reason, and we both are better off going separate ways. Of course I know that's not entirely true.

I also met up with two old dear friends of mine. Surprisingly I didn't feel the need to fill every second with words, because they flowed naturally. There was no awkwardness, no pretense, just simple catching up, filling each other in and laughing over things. It felt like we never lost the years between us.

Friends come and go. It's an old saying that everyone knows. But some friendships taught me that you don't just leave everything to fate. You don't simply wait for a friend to come to you to know you've got a good one, but instead be the good one. It's a reminder for myself as well, to go out from my room sometimes and spend more time with the good friends I know I should keep.